Hey guys,It’s CJ*um*Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night…One was assaulted. A termite walks into a bar room and asks,“Is the bar tender here?”“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud. ” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground. ”What’s brown and sticky? A stick. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?Roamin’ CatholicWhat do you call a guy who never farts in public?A private tutor. What did the apple say to the orange?Nothing stupid, apples don’t talk. Why can’t a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan. How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?Robin, get in the car. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower?Where does George Washington keep he’s armies?In their sleevies. Why didn’t the guy mow his yard?Cause he only had 2 feet!Why did the chicken fall in the well?He couldn’t see that well. How do you catch a squirrel?D’s NutzWhy was the stadium so cold?Because there were a lot of fans. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?A stick. What kind of bagel can fly?A plain bagel. How do you part the sea?With a sea saw. Why do cemeteries have walls?Because people are dying to get in! What kind of PC can sing really great?A DellWhat do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?A thesaurus. What do you call a broken angle?A rektangle!Wanna hear a long joke? JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy. Where do animals go when their tails fall off?The retail store. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around. I am lost and confusedPlease help meI just want memesI used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around. What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?CanabananalismWhy can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?Because it’s two tired. How does a train eat?It goes “chew chew!”How did Harry potter get down the hill?He walked… JK RowlingWhat do you call an alligator that reads maps?A navidile. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. What do you call a car that everyone can buy?AffordWhat does a clock do when it’s hungry?I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. What is a rock group with four members that don’t sing?Mount Rushmore!What do you call a fake noodle?am impasta!Why do people carry umbrellas?Because umbrellas can’t walk. What is the definition of a good farmer?A man outstanding in his field!Today a man asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat. What do you call a bear with no teeth?A gummy bear. I tried to catch some FogI mist,. My water faucet fell out the window. Yeah it hit the ground running. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school!? It’s okay. He woke up. How did the flashlight feel when his batteries died? He was delighted!What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?Bison. Hope you find your dadI would like to give a shout out to all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets!Why do seagulls live by the sea?Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels!Why did the hipster fall in the lake?He went ice skating before it was cool. Why did Timmy hate eating clocks?It was really time consuming. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?He got tired of the hole thing!Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles. Why can’t you trust atoms?Because they make up everything!What did one plate say to the other?Lunch is on me. What did one eye say to the other?Because all of his uncles were ants. What did the skunk say when the wind changed?It all comes back to me now. What did the ground say to the dinosaur?You made a big impression on me!What kinds of mistakes are common in a blood bank?Cheeri-OsWhy was the ant so confused?SquashWhat’s orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot. Which side of a duck has more feathers?The outside. Why was Cinderella kicked off the softball team?Because she kept running from the ball. What did the vegetables say at the party?Lettuce turnip the beet!Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?He didn’t have the guts. What do you call a pig with three eyes?A piiig!What did 0 say to 8?Nice belt!How do you make an egg roll?You push it. How many apples grow on a tree?All of them. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seenWhy did the coffee file a police report?It got mugged. Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut. Dad, can you put my shoes on?No, I don’t think they’ll fit me. Ill call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephantWhat did the grape do when he got stepped on?He let out a little wine. There are two fish in a tank. What does one say to the other?You man the guns, I’ll drive!What does one hat say to the other?You stay here! I’ll go on a head!A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand. People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar. I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. – A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, Man who sneeze without tissue takes matter in own hand. Man who live in glass house should get changed in basement. but man who runs in front of car will get tired. Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. Man with hole in both pockets not feel too cocky. Man who fart in church, sit in own pew. Man who stand on toilet high on pot. Man who make mistake in elevator wrong on many levelsbaseball wrong. man with four balls cannot walk. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?ten tickles


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